Tuesday, July 7, 2009

July 5

Notice: help accepted. Gratitude returned.

The friend who can bring me Reiki and the one who can bring Restorative Yoga and the one who can guide me in Qigong, the friend with some time to help whack the weeds and the one with extra eggs and lemons, the stranger who gave me quinoa and the stranger who is helping prepare my long overdue taxes, all of you have helped enormously.

The family member who cooked some healthy meals and the one who helped me move, and all the friends and family who’ve offered insights from their health histories and those of their acquaintances, have all helped me feel less lost and alone.

The kind and caring social service worker, so different from her counterpart in another county, who has gone out of her way to guide me towards solutions for one problem and another in a life too wrecked for me to salvage alone, and the amazing friend from the long past who came back as a better friend than I could ever hope for to loan me and my children a house for as long as he could: these have kept us fed and sheltered when I couldn’t do it for myself.

The friends who offered money: I may yet take you up on that, when I know how best to apply it as a solution and not just a stopgap.

The lifelong friend who could both provide work I could do from home and be patient when I was unable to work at all, has done so much to keep me afloat and in hope.

The dear friend who made me my snuggly blanket that hugs me when arms to hug with are so far away, and the loved one who sees my pain and gives me a holiday from it with a song or a game or a silly story---there’s still love and laughter in my life because you won’t let go.

The isolation of long illness won’t conquer me if you persist in breaking through and finding me. The phone calls I’ve enjoyed and the ones I’ve had to decline, too much in pain to make a conversation: they are all appreciated. The people who prayed, chanted, made a wish, kept a thought for me and my kids: all those are felt and treasured.

I don’t know how it will happen but I have no choice but to hope and believe that long term solutions will be created, through my own efforts and with the help that so amazes me, the kindnesses that make me cry more than the pain. I never wanted to need so much help, I doubt I ever deserved so much help, and I can only be astonished and grateful to receive so much help. Your help gets me past despair and inspires me to resolve that I will reach a place of strength and back on the giving end, again.


  1. Hope seems inevitable, when you're able to manifest and post two lovely, articulate pieces of writing with a troll crushing your chest.

    Sending you love and many thanks for sharing your gorgeous, wonderful daughter with us last weekend.


  2. You are more than welcome, Kassy. Gratitude is an enormous part of the healing process. As necessary as meds & diet changes. I am one of those praying that you & your children will land somewhere just as safe and right for you.

    Love, Marlan

  3. Aratyr, bella, you know writing sometimes isn't work but play. When I can manage to get a fix, it helps keep me going.

    Thanks tons for giving my girl a vacation from my pain.

    Marlan, thanks again. I'll keep on showing gratitude cause I do love healing!